Now that President Obama is on the verge of returning to the stump as candidate Obama it’s time for his constituents assess his first term. In his address to congress next week, Obama plans to lay out his new economic recovery plan. At the same time, republican presidential hopefuls will be doing the same on their respective campaign trails. While it is no surprise that right-wing extremists believe Obama to be a boob, left-wing extremists are none too pleased with him either. Liberals have been increasingly despondent with their president since he has failed to follow through on some key campaign issues, most recently his clean air regulations. The extreme left is under the impression that they elected Apollo Creed and ended up with Steve Urkel. This matters little because in the absence of an extreme leftist third-party candidate, Obama can count on votes from the far left. It is the moderates and the independents that Obama needs to win reelection. To these voters Obama need not appeal as tough as Creed or as smart as Urkel, but rather as the dynamic character of Lando Calrissian. Calrissian being type of guy, who at first seems like he is going to help and protect you from the Dark Side, then helps Darth Vader freeze you in carbonite, only to later save you from the clutches of Jabba the Hut. It’s only in the final act that Lando leads a successful assault on the Death Star to achieve full redemption. To independent moderate voters Obama should appeal humble, stating that I know some of you may not trust or like me but I promise not to disappoint in the finale act. Of course, I realize if you are not a fan of pop culture, none of this makes any sense.
Michele Bachmann has two things hanging from her chest that give her the edge needed in the race for the Republican Presidential Nomination, boobs. If she were to win the nomination and the presidential race, she would be the first American President with chest cushions since William H. Taft. While Bachmann’s sweater kittens set her apart from the crowded republican front runners, she does not fully support the intended utility of those tatas. Bachmann has come out against the First Lady Michele Obama’s initiative to encourage breast feeding infants. The First Lady believes children who suckle from mommy’s milk bags are healthier and happier. Bachmann believes this constitutes a “nanny state” and people should be free to poison their children with what ever store-bought milkshake they want. In this battle of the lady lumps it is not the size of the tits that maters, but how you use them.
In the background noise of the budget and debt ceiling discussions, there has been another crisis that has gone unnoticed. For the last four years, Congress has failed to properly approve an operating budget for the Federal Aviation Administration, the agency that is on the front lines of both the global economy and the global war on terror. As a result of this indecision recently, thousands of administration personnel have been furloughed, key infrastructure projects have been halted, and more tax payer dollars are being spent (not less) just to keep the agency operating at the bare minimum of safety. Conservatives and Tea Party activist often cite that the Founding Fathers never wanted their to be a big Federal Government, and while this is true their was also no such thing as an Airplane at the founding of this nation. Government employees and agencies are not as expendable as we would like to think.
I for one totally welcome the idea of splitting the West Coast monstrosity into two separate states. However, they need to throw LA County into the southern state. This would certainly give the people in North California a lot less to be ashamed of with Los Angeles out of the picture. My only problem is that 50 states has such a nice ring to it, so I propose a clause that says if this is to go through, then we give Texas back to Mexico.